Where To Find The Caribbean's Best Toilet

I went to the Bahamas and fell in love. With a toilet.

Now, before you judge me, let me explain.

It’s one of the computerized commodes in the Hartford Wing of the One & Only Ocean Club resort on Paradise Island in the Bahamas, an oceanfront cloister where the well-heeled have been vacationing since for more than half a century. The 52-room wing is the original hotel building, and has just emerged from a top-to-toe revamp, which includes contemporary décor; enlarged verandas and patios; and spacious spa-like bathrooms which feature said covetable commodes.

Made by Duravit, they’re the Rolls Royce of thrones, with bells and whistles you never knew you needed until you try them.

A removable remote control unit allows touchless opening and closure of both the seat and the cover, separately or together. Press the “Ladywash” and “rearwash” buttons and a gentle jet of water springs from the bowl for … shall we say … intimate rinsing. And you can adjust the temperature of the wash water with the remote control, too. When you’ve finished your business, press the fan button for a waft of warm air that gently dries you off. But you may be tempted to linger long after you’ve finished (as I was) by my favorite feature, the heated toilet seat. Call me crazy, but I found the temperature-controlled seat (also adjustable to your liking) to be strangely comforting, in a very primal way.

“One of the benchmarks of a five-star hotel is having a bidet in the bathroom,” Ocean Club’s resident manager Kyle Pretorius told me when I asked about the tricked-out thrones. “Since the bathroom footprint doesn’t allow enough space as we’d like for one, we installed these toilets that combine both functionalities.”

I’ve never been a bidet kinda gal but this hybrid is definitely one I could get behind. Or rather, sit upon. The only glitch is that the toilets run (ha!) for about $2,500 each. Which is a pretty penny to pay for a lavatory, no matter how luxe. But I’ve been (pretty) good this year. Perhaps Santa may surprise me.